Dear Dr. Jane,
I've been married for seven years and we have two little kids. They've been back to school for a week now. The kids seem excited about school. They like their new teachers and they like hanging out with friends. I know my wife likes everyone getting into a solid routine again. I'm OK with the change of seasons, but I'm worried that our love life will feel "too busy and too tired for intimacy" again with everything that happens during school. To me, back to school means back to the grind of homework, up early and no sex. Our sex life wasn't that great during the summer either, but at least the kids slept in. I'm hoping that this year, we can get adult loving onto our family calendar. What do you suggest?
From,
Got the September Blues
Dear Blues,
I understand your frustration. It's challenging to negotiate all of the busy-ness and everything that happens at the beginning of the school year. You've seen this movie. You know it starts with hope and enthusiasm, but often ends in exhaustion for everyone. Even though the Levi's haven't faded yet and the new classrooms still feel like fun, you know it's likely to get tough over time. If you're like most parents, part of you is hopeful and excited that THIS year is going to be some kind of wonderful, but there's a voice in the back of your head that's doubting.
Here are three things you can do to make this year's Back to School experience feel A+ for everyone in the family — including YOU!
Super Successful Back to School Tip for Lovers #1: Gather your supplies
Hint: for this project, the supply list won't include spiral bound notebooks or a calculator.
Make a list of the things that've felt romantic or sexy in the past. Some things you might include: candles, clean linens, a small fan, nice lighting, sexy clothing, pillows and blankets, music and a speaker, sex toys, tasty snacks, towels or washcloths, personal lube, bath salts and a lock for your door.
Take a look in your bedside drawer? Clean it out and stock it with sexy stuff. Watch your love life get better.
Successful Back to School Tip for Lovers Tip #2: Set up your schedule
Don't believe the lie that says scheduled intimacy isn't passionate. Put love on the top of your TO DO List.
Plan times when you're both open to intimacy. Decide how much time you'd like to spend together. Put it on the calendar. Have a conversation about what might get in the way of your connection and make contingency plans.
Success Back to School Tip for Lovers #3: Do your homework
Bedroom homework is a lot more fun than doing math or writing essays (even with AI). Try these things. Do them every day and see progress.
Give your partner a 6-second kiss or a 20-second hug to increase oxytocin in your body and build intimacy.
Start and end the day with connection — try a quiet snuggle before getting up, a walk in the park, or a nighttime beverage together.
Plan and eat dinner together. Even getting takeout or finding a happy hour can be fun and not too spendy.
Don't rush — start your lovemaking slowly with just a touch, kiss or a caress. Ask your partner what they'd like to do and honor their boundaries.
Do things that make you and your partner feel good. This doesn't have to be "real sex."
Take your relationship seriously — it matters, but also take it easy. Every time you touch each other is a new experience. When it comes to getting things going in the bedroom, realize that if you're lucky, this'll be a lifelong experience. Don't try to cram like you used to do for your exams. This will help you stay open, happy and connected.
Believe me, there's no better report card than the happy look on your partner's face as you cuddle into each other's arms after lovemaking. Use these three tips and start the school year off right.
You got this.
Xoxo,
Dr. Jane
PS: Still having trouble? Maybe you need some gentle tutoring. Call me.
